remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Let's paint friendship bongs
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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