he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
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I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
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Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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