You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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