i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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