I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
