I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
