i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
