I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
