It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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