Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
