found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
