I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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