I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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