hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
BRING THE BAGELS
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
