$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
