just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
