So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
