my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
