just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
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Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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