I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
