I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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