If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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