mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
