Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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