if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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