So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
