his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
