Jerry, you need to find god
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage