I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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