I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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