In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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