I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
