Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
