My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
