she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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