Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
