Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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