Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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