How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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