something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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