I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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