you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
