im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
