I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
