I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
