I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Nicole vs. Life
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
A+ Viking dick
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
