Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
