I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
