I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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