Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I didn't shave. On purpose
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You have to summon your inner elephant
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
