Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
