just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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