Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
