It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Randomize
