You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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